Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
