someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
