Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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