I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
