Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
