that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
