I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
