I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize