Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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