i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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