i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
