HIV tests are more positive than that guy
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize