Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
