Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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