Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
