so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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