we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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