Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
