my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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