Define "chronic" masturbator.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
