like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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