So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
a search helicopter?!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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