"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
