my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
