Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
