I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
