Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
