Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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