All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
