Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
