well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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