I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
