In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
