I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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