Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
