This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
