Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
