If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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