So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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