So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
