fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
