I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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