listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Randomize
