That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
