If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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