There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
