What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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