dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm just crazy horny about you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
