after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
