i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize