If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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