i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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