Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The Olympian is in my bed
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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