I think my fart just growled at me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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