On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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