god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
