hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
