Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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