Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
