My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize