Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
