I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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