My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
